The Mess She Left Behind

It's ironic to me that for as strong of a person I consider myself to be, I allow a person who is basically a total stranger dictate who I am as a mother.  She dictates how I react in certain situations.  She makes me want to be a better and better person every day.  And she is the exact opposite of what I think a mother should be.  Even more ironic is that she's doing all of this beyond the grave.  Most of the damage she did, she did while she was alive.  Somehow she managed to do enough damage that I think most is beyond repair.  Thanks, mom.

I often look at this picture and I wonder if you ever had any dreams for me.  Any ambitions or goals that you wanted me to achieve.  Did you think I would be a cheerleader or a basketball player?  Did you see me finding the cure for cancer one day?  Or did you see me being exactly where I am, a mother to two daughters and more like you than I ever dreamed?  These are questions that I'll never get an answer to, and that kind of hurts.

What hurts worse is that, you didn't just affect me, you affected Jamie, Chris and Jeffrey too.  You basically set them up for failure from the start.  You left us all before you could try to pick up the mess you created.  I wished and prayed for years that you could just wake up and see all the lives that you destroyed.  I'm sure that the boys have some good memories with you, some great stories they can tell about you.  You know what I have?  Nightmares.

I remember seeing you on the floor with your eyes wide open in a comatose state.  I remember calling 911 and telling them that I couldn't wake my mommy up.  Too bad you didn't enforce me going to school or teach me any pertinent information such as our address.  I spent years reliving that moment over and over again and trying to figure out if it was my fault you had an addiction.  If only I had known what our address was, maybe the operator could have gotten the police to us and in turn, the hospital could have kept you in a treatment center and all of our lives could have been different.  NO child should ever feel like they're the cause or root of the parent's problem.  And I was five at the most when all of that happened.  Talk about fair.

I am a firm believer in God and Jesus and a Heaven and a Hell.  I'm not sure where you ended up.  I don't know how the whole system works.  I don't even know if you had a faith or if the only thing you believed in was the high from a pill.  What I do know is that I wish you could see the mess that you left behind.  I wish you could see how you shaped and formed three innocent boys into men with major problems and issues.  Somehow you left this world nearly eleven years ago and you are still the reason behind a lot of the problems we have.  

I thought I forgave you forever ago.  I thought I was passed this.  But today, I realized I'm just as mad at you now, as I was when you were in my floor, passed out on whatever you took.  I was just mad because of the mess you put me in, the memories you gave me and all of the memories I was robbed of because you weren't the mother I deserved.  Today I am mad for a different reason.  I am mad that I don't know my brothers because of you.  I'm mad that they had to live through an entire childhood with you.  I know what little memories I have are bad memories, but I only have a few.  The boys probably have tons of them.  I was mad for me for over 25 years, but now I'm mad for them. They deserved so much more.  Instead, they're settling for whatever they think they deserve, and this is all of your fault.

Dear Lord,

Today I am praying for my brothers.  I pray that each of them find their worth in something worthy.  I pray that they each know you and they each find some sort of solace through you. I have dreams for each of them, goals I know they can reach.  They can do anything through you and with you.  I pray that they realize that these mountains they're facing, you can move.  Lastly Lord, I pray that you help me forgive, truly forgive.  I'm more like my mom than I'd like to admit.

In your Son's name,

Amen.

Praying for Love...Always

Dear Lord,

I’m begging and praying for full love. And by full, I pray that they learn to fully love themselves and learn to fully love each other the way you do. We had such a great day meeting some Princesses at the zoo, but the fun ended when Ireland intentionally hit Saylor with a baseball bat across the face. 😭

A billion kisses, several bandaids and neosporin later, everyone is in bed asleep. But I’m laying awake just trying to wrap my brain around the intentional hitting with a bat. I don’t understand it, Lord, guide me to show them both unconditional love so maybe we won’t have a human punching bag or batting cage again.

I pray you can help heal the scar that Saylor will probably have and I’m praying for love between the two of them.

Amen.

Praying for Forgiveness

Dear Lord,

Today I’m praying for forgiveness. I pray that each of the girls can forgive me for the days I’m too angry, too loud. For not giving enough kisses, not enough hugs, or for not listening to their stories for the third time. I pray they can start with forgiving me so they can learn to forgive each other and everyone else.

I pray that they understand the process. I pray that they know that I apologize to them for the things I know I shouldn’t do or react the way I shouldn’t react. I pray that they see me doing these things so they can engage and persue forgiveness in others, even when it doesn’t seem like they should. 

I pray that when they apologize and forgive themselves or anyone else, that they hold true to it and understand that they have the ability to do so because of you. You forgave even Judas and still loved him with everything you had. I pray that in the midst of troubled waters, they can forgive themselves and the people/circumstances that got them there. 

Amen

Praying for Weird

Dear Lord,

I know that this is going to come as a surprise, but I’m praying that the girls keep their weird quirks that make them, well, them. I pray that Ireland keeps her ridiculous and sometimes annoying laugh. It’s from deep in her soul and can shatter walls that others build up. Her laugh is infectious and I pray she keeps on laughing that laugh.

And Saylor. I pray she keeps her weird and random singing going. She sings about everything. I pray she holds on to this simple thing she does so well. I pray that she finds the right tune to help her through whatever rough time she has. I also pray she keeps her chin up when others try to bring her down.

Lord, I pray they embrace the weirdness you gave them and they use their weirdness to help others. These things that seem weird are what makes them unique and set them apart. It’s some of the things that make me love them even more.

Amen.

Praying for Love

Dear Lord,

Today I’m praying for love. I pray that both of the girls know that no matter where they are, no matter what they’re doing or how they’re feeling, no matter what their last words to me were, I love them unconditionally and without any stipulations.

Together they give me the greatest gift of all, the magic of motherhood. We have our ups and our downs, and right now with potty training I feel like we have more downs than ups, but this is the best adventure I could ever be on.

Thank you Lord, for trusting me with these two precious souls and please continue watching over us as we journey through life.

In your Son’s name,

Amen

Praying Through the Rain

Dear Lord,

Last night was a night for the books.  After dinner, the girls went and played in the rain and flooding water that middle Tennessee was pounded with over the last few days.  They had a blast.  This was followed by hot showers and a few rounds of "HiHoCherry-O" with daddy.  They were happy and they were full of laughter.

I pray that they always find that opportunity, that blessing, that the rain brings.  I know it's cliche to say don't stay out of the rain, instead learn to dance in it, but it's true.  It takes a special kind of person to do something about the situation that they're handed.  I pray that they always keep that state of mind.

Lord, I pray that when the waters get high and the currents get rough, that they find a way to face it head-on.  I pray that if they can't figure it out on their own, that they know they can with You. Prayer is always a powerful thing, not something meant to be a backup plan.  I pray that they know to pray for everything and through everything.

Also, if somehow my prayers aren't flooding your space right now, I'd also like to pray for Devin Bond and his family.  For those of you who aren't aware of him or his story, he is a local young man that went missing from Murfreesboro, TN in March of 2016.  His mom created a  Facebook Group to update on the current information in hopes that one day he will be found.  I pray that his mom never gives up hope and that one day Devin will come home.


In your Son's name,

Amen.

Love and Hate

Dear Lord,

Today I’m praying that Ireland keeps her sense of certainty of who she is and her knowledge of what she wants. While right now I end up fighting with her because she doesn’t understand the word no 99% of the time, I hope she continues fighting for what she wants and taking what she deserves. I pray she never settles for anything less.

I’m praying that Saylor always keeps that genuine smile on her face through everything. I pray that she continues finding the good in everything. She’s the kind of kid to be entirely too chipper in a bad situation, but Lord, I can see her being a beacon of hope and light in a very dark place.

In your Son’s name,

Amen.